I was extremely emotional yesterday. I don't know why I was crying but I couldn't stop. I had my first Fetal Non-Stress Test yesterday and it was wonderful to hear my baby boy's heartbeat. I laid there for about 20-30 minutes and just listened to his heartbeat. I spoke to him and told him everything was going to be alright. I was overcome with such emotions. My midwife came in at the end of the test and asked me where I was in my chemo treatment. I told her that I have one more left. She was very excited and told me that I was in the home stretch with both chemo and pregnancy. I smiled and said, yes.
It's funny..... I no longer feel the excitement of chemo ending. Honestly, I'm a little scared for it to end. I don't expect most people to understand this. My last treatment is supposed to happen on Thursday, November 28th. Then, I have the month of December to get ready for the birth of my baby boy - whose estimated due date is January 9, 2008. After the birth, my Oncologist is allowing me two months to breastfeed (with my one breast) before starting the second leg of my treatment - Hormone Therapy. That's about three months with no medical intervention. My pre-cancer body would be thrilled with no medical intervention BUT.... the thought of tiny cancer cells floating around my body and feeding off of my estrogen hormones for three months frightens me.
There's still a lot of unknowns for me. I haven't had any further testing to see if there are any other tumors in my body because my pregnancy prevented those tests from happening. All that I know is that I had a cancerous tumor in my left breast. It was surgically removed with all of my breast tissue. I had 14 lymph nodes removed as well and only one tested positive for cancer cells while the other 13 where all negative. I started chemotherapy for preventative measures. To make sure that "if" there were additional cancer cells floating around my body then they would killed. OR, if there is a second tumor somewhere, then the chemo would either shrink it or prevent it from growing.
Needless to say.... it's been an emotional journey for me and yesterday was just another emotional day. I left the doctor's building and started crying as I walked to my car. I called my husband and just cried to him on the phone. I told him that I was fine --- just tired. Tired of everything. Tired of my bald head. Tired of worrying if my eyebrows and eyelashes are going to fall out. Tired of worrying about my growing baby boy. Tired of people staring at me. Tired of doctor's appointments. Tired of thinking about cancer.
Just..... tired.
4 comments:
Oh honey! I just read this. I was asking about you on YSC. We're having a get together tonight at Twist and I hadn't seen you respond. I hope you can come--it sounds like you need some support. I can understand your feelings about chemo ending. My anxiety went through the roof after chemo. I'm guessing it's just that subconscious fear after feeling somehow protected by the chemo. But it's normal. The women on the board mentioned it before. Just cry or breathe through it. This too shall pass. This will be something in the past for you eventually, Melissa, and you'll have days that you don't even think of cancer. I believe it. Call me or email me anytime you need somebody.
Oh Missy... I wish there was something I could say to make this all better for you but I can't ... All I can do is be here for you, be your friend and be your support... I know with all of my heart that when this baby is put in your arms every little thing IS GONNA be alright... a baby brings such joy and so much happiness... you are creating a miracle - not only the miracle of life, but a miracle by surviving breast cancer WHILE creating the miracle of a NEW life... hang in there sweetie... I promise, it will be ok when the little guy is here..
I love you so much and I am ALWAYS here for you !
Love and Prayers
Jeannine
Hey Melissa,
I have been silent for most of your journey. Just checking in from time to time to see how you are doing. I don't know why I have been silent, maybe because we haven't seen each other in such a long time. But, I want you to know that I am in such awe with the way you have handled your situation. I have been so moved by your strength and sprituality. You're doing great! I wish I had the words to describe the great example you have and will provide to mom's in the same situation. All I can say is that I am so proud of you and who you are. Keep up the good work. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
-Tom McKeown
I just want to reach out and give you a hug. I can only imagine all of the fear and emotions that are occurring for you right now. Hang in there Missy! You are doing great and I am so proud of you.
~Jeanette
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