It seems like cancer has come and gone. So much has happened to me in such a short period of time that sometimes I don't know what to make of it all. I never really did feel like a cancer patient. Even though I looked like one with the bald head and the bandanna, I never felt like one. Now, when I look in the mirror I don't see a recovering cancer patient either. My hair is at an acceptable length where I can style it with some pomade (and, I really like my style). Most people now would never guess that I was a cancer patient undergoing chemotherapy four months ago.
This weekend I was once again reminded of my short lived life with breast cancer. I went dress shopping for an upcoming beach wedding in Florida. Looking for a sun dress with one breast and chest scars was not and easy task. The dresses didn't fit right and my port scar was very visible. There were so many beautiful dresses hanging on the racks yet most of them I just can't wear. It was discouraging.
I've gotten used to seeing my scars everyday and night when I get dressed and undressed. On a daily basis I insert my "fake" boob. I haven't worn a bra in months because my "boob" doesn't fit properly into my bras. So, everyday I wear a tight fitted tank top and place the stuffed boob into my tank and then wear another shirt over it. I'm conscious of it all day because the "boob" moves around and at times it's uncomfortable. I'm constantly needing to re-adjust it so it's properly lined up with the other. I just started (within the last two weeks) pinning it to my tank to keep it in place. There's an odd sensation when the "boob" rubs against my scar which makes it uncomfortable to wear. Simply, it's a piece of fabric filled with stuffing. I'm hoping to get a prosthesis once I finish nursing. To buy one now would be a waist of money. My healthy breast is bigger now that I'm lactating and breastfeeding. But, once I stop nursing my breast will diminish in size and fullness allowing me to be properly fitted with a prosthesis.
I'm still searching for a dress. I know I will find something. It might not be my first pick but I'll find something.
1 comment:
One of the issues my professors put emphasis on in my child study courses is always putting the person first. For example a common phrase heard is "an autistic child" or "Billy is autistic", if you think about it what my professors are saying makes sense and holds true for many conditions. Autism or a condition does not define who a person is. Instead as a society we should always recognize the person not the "condition/ disease". For example say a "Billy is child with autism".
I think this holds true in your case. Cancer did not make you who you are. You were a beautiful person long before the "C-word" and you are and will be a beautiful person long after the "C-word". You are you because of you! I am so glad when you looked in that mirror you never saw a "Cancer patient" and you never felt like a "cancer patient". That is because first and foremost you are Melissa! You never let cancer define who you are, you always stayed true to yourself! Give yourself a pat on your back and a huge hug! I am so happy for you!
Sorry to hear dress shopping was a bit discouraging. My first experience wedding dress shopping was extremely discouraging and disappointing too but for reasons different than yours. Hang in there my friend. I know in time you will find the right dress that is perfect for you!
Post a Comment