Being a Mom and being a Cancer Patient

When I was first diagnosed with breast cancer the first thing I thought about was my daughter Maelyn. Even though I was pregnant with Sullivan she was my first thought. My second thought was whether or not to go forward with the pregnancy. As a mom our first thoughts are always of our children. Once you become a parent it's natural to put your children first. I couldn't imagine my life without my kids. And, I can't imagine my daughters life without me.

Who would tuck her in at night and have pillow talk? Every night I lay my head on her pillow and we talk (a.k.a pillow talk). We talk about shapes, colors, dreams and friends. I say the same three things every night to her after I kiss her: (1) Night, Night; (2) Sweet Dreams; and (3) See you in the morning. She repeats them too. It's our bedtime ritual.

We have so many special moments and rituals that only she and I know about. If cancer is to take my life what would happen to all of our moments. Would she miss them? Would she do them with her father? Would she think of me?

Who would snuggle and whisper "i love you" in her ear? Who would check on her in the middle of the night to make sure she's covered? Who would pull bedside vigils when she's sick. Who would sing songs and dance in the living room with her?

These are thoughts that I don't like to think about -- but being a cancer patient and being a Mom it's inevitable. There are no guarantees in life. There are no guarantees with treatment.

AND, now with the birth of my son Sullivan these thoughts and emotions are even stronger. Cancer or no cancer -- I don't want my children to grow up without me.