...i have a future

Have I told you lately that I'm doing fantastic. I feel great. Life is grand! I'm healthy, vibrant and supercharged with lots of energy. I'm exercising and eating an abundance of healthy green, super foods and lots of strong antioxidants. I'm feeling better than I've ever felt before. Then why in the midst of feeling fantastic, do I still have moments of fear? Without warning, flashes of negativity pop into my head. It usually strikes when everything in my life is awesome. I don't know if my body is equipped with a self defense mechanism but, when I'm on a high streak of feeling good, feeling loved and everything is just moving right a long, I get zapped with reality bites of cancer.  I guess, this is what life after cancer is like. Learning to deal with these interrupted moments of fear.

I call them moments because they don't last long. Sometime my moments can last an hour, a day or a few days. They come and go in waves. Today, I had one of those moments. I think it's because I'm preparing for the Komen Race and the Walk To Empower in May. The excitement and the energy in getting ready for this event and what it represents to me and my fellow cancer vixens is stirring up  emotions.  In addition to breast cancer awareness, my next followup appointment with the oncologist is in May (after 8 months of not seeing her) and my three year CancerVersary is approaching in June (woo-hoo) (high five).

There's a part of me that feels that my fear will subside when I reach the five year mark. Will it? I don't know. What makes the five year mark so special?  In cancer land, all the statistics on survivorship  groups you into the 5 year survival rate column and the 10 year survival rate column.

Doctor's like to share with you, your rate of survival of undergoing certain types of procedures and treatments. They pull the stats off of your pathology report,  plug them into a computer, which then spits out your survival rate in 5 -10 years.  I know survival statistics are used as a general guidelines, and they do not accurately represent any one person's prognosis but, that numerical statistic lingers in the back of your mind. What are my odds of still being alive in five years? I hate thinking about this.

So, I've been in a funk all day today. I've been racing around all morning, doing my motherly duties, carrying these unwanted thoughts of fear, death and my families life without my existence in the back of my mind. Not great thoughts to be lugging around with you. Feeling emotionally exhausted, I sit at my computer to facebook and distract myself from fear, when my eyes catch a glimpse of a greeting card that is posted on my bulletin board. It says:

I pray you would see how valuable you are, how precious you are, and that you have an anointing on you and a call on your life and that you have a future. I ask it in Jesus' name. Amen. 

The part where it says "you have a future" is highlighted by the card company - and this, is what caught my eye. In my time of need, my eyes fall upon these words. Coincidence? I don't think so. I truly believe that it's Gods way of reminding me to have faith.

Even though I saved this card and purposely put it on the board, I still look at it as Gods way of talking to me and gently reminding me to have faith.

I HAVE A FUTURE.  I needed to hear this today.