It's been a while since I've last posted. I've been feeling a bit under the weather the last couple of weeks (physically, emotionally and psychologically). I think I took on too many activities and although I paced myself my body has finally crashed. I've been on the go since October. First, my husband was out of town for two weeks...then my daughter's birthday party, then the neighborhood Halloween party, then Halloween, then the neighborhood yard-sale. While doing all of this I've kept up with my usual day to day errands, chores and weekly appointments. Everything has finally caught up to me and now I'm experiencing the aftermath. I'm tired - I'm exhausted.
I've come down with a little cold too(runny nose and sore throat). I've been doing everything possible to get myself better (liquids, warm tea with honey and rest). My digestive system shut down for two weeks and bowel movements were extremely painful. I had anxiety about eating because everything I eat has to come out. The constipation was so bad that I had a lot of rectal bleeding. It was the most painful thing I've ever experienced and I wouldn't wish this on anyone. At this time, everything is back to "normal."
Emotionally, I have weakened too. I have been doing a lot of crying. I cry mostly at night while laying in bed. That is when everything is quiet and my thoughts are most strong. I think the month of October has been hard on me because of all the Breast Cancer Awareness "stuff." Everywhere I go and everything I watch is about breast cancer. Awareness is good but I've been living this everyday since June. It's overwhelming.
Enough wallowing..... I have chemotherapy this Thursday and I need to pick myself up. I need to feel good. I need to feel happy. I need to feel strong.
I'm working on it.
3 comments:
I've been following your journey for sometime now, but have waited to comment because I knew from my own experience that a day like this would come. It's perfectly normal to be thinking the thoughts and having the fears that you are having right now. I think I was about the same stage in my treatment when the reality of it all finally started to get to me. Take care of yourself, and if that means saying no to some things or taking a nap, that's what you have to do. I know that is much easier said than done, and it's something I still struggle with. But if you can't cut yourself a little slack now, when will you? :) And soon you'll have a beautiful new baby to snuggle with, and I know he/she wants a healthy mommy around for a long, long time. Best of luck with chemo this week. Please know that you and your family are in my thoughts and please remember that even though it seems dark and grey now, you will get through this. Many hugs.
You are in my thoughts and prayers...
I love you
Jeannine
Melissa - Thank you for your kind words. I too have been following your blog. I think I needed to experience this "funk" to really show me that it's a place I don't want to be. I felt miserable emotionally the last couple of weeks. My thoughts were drab, negative and nasty. And, it made me feel like crap. I allowed myself to experience these feelings and day after day my poor attitude carried over. With chemo #5 here it's time to pick myself up and dust myself off. I need to snap out of it!!!! I know, without a doubt that I will get through this. Thanks for your support and wise words. ~Melissa~
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