Feeling Numb

These weekly doctors appointments are leaving me numb. I feel like I'm just walking through the motions - emotionless these days. Every night before I go to bed I need to look at my calendar to figure out my schedule for the following day. Most of my appointments fall on the mornings that Maelyn is in school.

I wake up and get myself and Maelyn fed and dressed. We are usually out the door by 7:45. I drop her off at school, kiss her goodbye and tell her that I'll be back after lunch. From there, I head to the highway. I sit in traffic with the thousands of others trying to get to their morning destinations. I feel like I'm on auto-pilot. I drive the same route in the same lanes frequently checking the time. I pay the same parking attendant and usually walk the same route to the doctor's building. Sometimes I take the elevator if I'm parked two floors down and sometimes I take the stairs if I'm only one floor down.

I enter the doctor's office and sign in: Name, time of arrival, time of appointment and Doctor whom I'm seeing. I take a seat in the waiting room and pick up a magazine. My name is called and I walk through the door and follow the nurse down the long corridor. She points to the bathroom and asks for a urine sample. I put my name and date of birth on the plastic cup and fill it up. I place the cup in the specimen window, wash my hands and head next door. I drop my items on the chair and go directly to the scale. My weight is checked and then I go back to the chair and roll up my sleeve for blood pressure check. The nurse asks me a few questions, types some information in the computer and then says, "follow me."

This is the course I take for both the Obstetrician and the Fetal Specialist. The only difference between the two is one visit is for the non-stress test and the other is the ultra sound and both happen in separate offices, in the same building on the same 6th floor. As I head out the door I make an appointment for the following week.

I'm numb because none of this feels natural to me. I'm thankful for my doctors and all the nurses but absolutely none of this feels natural to me.