What sucks about having had cancer is that the people I should have been able to count on let me down. I hate admitting this and I definitely hate writing it. But, it was those who I least expected to help, that really came through for me. I am forever grateful.
When I think of the things that were done for me it saddens me to know that there were others who should have been there. They weren't. And, in moments like this, I really wish for my mom. Because I know without a doubt and without hesitation she would be there, right beside me, holding my hand, loving me the way I should be loved. The way I need to be loved.
Cancer makes you feel alone. I felt alone while going through my treatment. Sometimes, I still do. Loved ones just don't understand and often times it makes me feel like they just don't care. Just because chemo has stopped and my hair has grown back doesn't make everything right. Physically and emotionally I'm trying to recover what has happened to me. I have a 6 inch scar on my chest. I have minor aches and pains with my left surgical side. I'm still trying to put myself back together. I think people forget too quickly.
Cancer happened to me. I can't change that. I can't avoid it - at least I don't think I can. No doctor can guarantee my future health. There are so many unknowns. That's what makes this so scary. I have no guarantees. And, that sucks. Cancer sucks because there are too many unknowns.
I'm almost two years out from my diagnosis and I'm still struggling. It's crazy. I may not look like a cancer patient and nobody other than close friends and family know what I've been through. However, I'm still struggling and fighting everyday. Trying to make sense of it all. Living my life and trying not to feel like a 'sitting duck.'
2 comments:
I'm sorry that you are feeling like this..I did not forget about your cancer.. in fact, you are still my inspiration and whenever I get down about my son's health and autism, I turn to your blog for strength and hope... you may not know just how much your cancer has helped me cope with my own problems in life... I always told you that I felt you were brought back into my life for a reason... and I still believe that your cancer ordeal gave me the strength to handle my own crisis with my son and still to this day helps me gain strength... because I have YOU in my life... you are my inspiration, you are my light at the end of the tunnel, you are my strength... you don't even know it... but you ARE !!!
I know that it's scary being a " sitting duck " with no guarentee's that you'll live a full life .... I am going through that with my son... it's scary and it's sad.. but you have made it this far with such a positive attitude, and your optimism is what got you through it... keep positive thoughts, live each day to the max.. and have faith that you will live a long long time... :-)
You are so strong... you are such a good person.. I've never met anyone like you... I love you so much... I don't tell you that often enough... but I really do.. I love you and I thank you for everything you've done to help me , despite your own illness... you are an angel and a gift.
:-)
Jeannine
Jeannine - Thank you kindly for the wonderful words. I sometimes get in a funk and that's were this blog post came from.The approaching date of my diagnosis has been weighting on me. It's just another reminder about what's happened. I don't say it enough but I'm so glad we found each other after 15 years. There's something comforting in being connected with childhood friends. You and me have a lot in common. We're both fighting and determined to conquer. I'm doing all that I can to be around for my children and to watch them grow up. You're fighting to keep your son healthy while bringing him back from vaccine induced autism. There are no guarantees with what we're doing. But we are doing something. That's all that we can do. We educate ourselves to make better informed decisions about our future. And along the way we're bound to have some pitfalls and set backs. Faith, prayer, perseverance and believing is what keeps me going. I know it's the same for you too. We need to learn to be kind to ourselves and allow room for down days. It's ok to cry. It's ok to be scared. It's ok to be mad. We're human.
l♥ve you!!
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