Accepting Real Life

Everything in life that we really accept undergoes a change.
~Katherine Mansfield~

Immediately after my diagnosis and after the doctor's informed me of my surgical choices I went through two weeks of emotional chaos. I read and researched everything. I cried countless tears. I made decisions about my treatment options and my pregnancy every hour and every hour those decisions changed. I was totally confused, uncertain, scared, shocked and lost. It really was the hardest two weeks I've ever encountered.

Yet one day things became clear for me. The tears stopped falling and I was overcome with a sense of calm. That day was June 27, 2007. That was the day I made up my mind to have a left breast mastectomy. I felt like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. I was at peace with going forward with surgery, losing my breast, undergoing chemotherapy, continuing with the pregnancy and in the end knowing that everything was going to be fine.

I think June 27th was the day I really accepted my diagnosis and I accepted everything that must follow with this diagnosis of breast cancer. I remember clearly conversing with my husband and I told him..... Let's do it. Let's push forward and let us not look back. If this is going to work I need you to believe that I can do this. I don't want you to doubt anything that is going to happen to me. In order for this to work we need to believe and just keep moving forward without back peddling. Whatever the outcome may be at the end, at least we know we put everything into it without doubts, fears or uncertainties.

That same afternoon I met with my surgeon (Dr. Burns) to tell him which surgery I opted for. I was truly excited. I kept asking Andy if it was morbid that I was excited to have surgery to remove my breast. I kept referring to everything as a new adventure for us. This was going to be a new direction for all of us as a family.

I can honestly say that it is an adventure everyday. There have been some exciting times and there have been some low times too. But everyday I prove to myself that I can do this. Every step for me has been something new (the good, the bad, the ugly, the emotions, the challenges). It's all new. Some days it's easy and some days it's challenging -- but then again, so is real life (with or without a disease).

I don't curse breast cancer and I don't ask why. I've accepted breast cancer and I'm moving on. I have a life to live. I have a toddler to raise and I have a baby to birth. I have a husband that I plan to grow old with. I have family. I have me.

I accept what is happening in my life. My husband, my daughter, my friends and my family accept what is happening to me and it's all ok.

This is real life.