CHEMO Is Coming To An End

Tomorrow is Chemo Infusion #6. It's hard to believe that this chemo journey started three months ago and the breast cancer diagnosis was five months ago. It seems like it's been a lot longer. So much has happened and so many changes have taken place over a short period of time. I still have moments of disbelief when I catch a glimpse of myself in a mirror, a reflection of glass or if a stranger asks me my story. It all still does not seem real to me. But, nonetheless, I am fighting, I am hoping, I am believing, I am praying, I am continuing as normal (as much as possible). I can honestly say that chemo and pregnancy hasn't really slowed me down. I push myself everyday. Some days, I just crash and allow everything around me to crash as well. For the most part I have been able to keep up with the pace of my life prior to my pregnancy and my breast cancer diagnosis.

When I agreed to go forward with the pregnancy and the chemotherapy treatments, I told my husband that I didn't want much to change in my life. I knew that there was a possibility of major changes but, I wanted my life to remain as normal as possible. It has for the most part - except for the visual changes in my appearance, the emotional outbursts, the frequent trips to the doctor, the occasional depression and the occasional wiped out feeling of fatigue and exhaustion. Pretty much, I have been breezing through my treatments. I'm thankful and truly grateful for my success. But, was all of this a success? I don't know how to answer this question. I'm not sure if anyone can answer this question? I guess only time will tell.

I do know that I was successful in getting through chemotherapy with little to no major side effects. It wasn't as bad as I expected. But, I went into chemotherapy with the mind set of "maybe or maybe not." I knew that everyone reacts differently and I knew that I had a 50/50 chance of experiencing the laundry list of side effects. I didn't want to focus on the side effects - I just wanted to receive my treatments, put it out of my mind and move forward. I needed to live my life. Not wallow in the why's and how come's. We say in my family, "It is what it is." And that's all I have to say about that.

I cannot answer whether or not it was a success to undergo chemotherapy and pregnancy. As far as I know and as far as all the weekly tests show - my baby boy is growing normally. I'm told everything looks good. I believe in my heart that things will continue to be good throughout the remaining of my pregnancy. I have no reason to doubt anything. I eagerly wait to hold my baby in my arms and count his fingers and toes and inspect every little inch of his miraculous body. I pray and have faith that there will be no immediate health concerns now or in the future as he grows.

And now back to breast cancer..... Only time, tests and check-ups will tell me if all of this was a success.

In the mean time - I got some living to do! I have a baby to birth! I have a toddler to raise! I have a husband to grow old with!

I have to keep on keeping on.