Lucky & Perfect

[This is a photo of me and my two little ones walking into the gym. This is a typical photo - my little guy is always several steps ahead of the rest of us. There's no walking with him. He's all about running and I'm all about fast walking just to keep up with him.]


I was walking into the gym the other day when I had a brief but poignant conversation with a woman in my exercise class.


She: How old is your little boy?
Me: Two.
She: Is he your only one?
Me: No, I have a five year old too.
She: Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
She: You know in China, having a boy and a girl is very lucky. You are very lucky. Perfect. Everything is perfect.
Me: Yes..... I am very lucky and everything is perfect. Thank you.


It was a short but very sweet conversation with an Asian woman. I consider it poignant because ever since my husband and I discussed having children back in 2003 the number three has always been in our head. I always saw myself as a mother to three. Maybe because I came from a family of three and also did my husband. After cancer showed up my dream or want of having three kids sort of seemed unattainable for me. Not because I can't, but, because I'm scared or at least, I was scared.  Three years out of cancer, the fear is beginning to take a back seat in my life and the thought of baby number three is resurfacing.

This decision has been weighing on my mind lately. I've been trying to figure out whether or not I really want to go for it. Do I want to stop taking my post-cancer medicine, Tamoxifen? Tamoxifen has been suppressing my hormones, keeping periods away and has forced my body into what is termed, chemically induced menopause. I'm tolerating it and it's side effects extremely well. Do I want to jeopardize that? Do I really want to stop my treatment and wait for my menstrual cycle to return? Will my cycle return? Will I get pregnant? I don't know. I'm supposed to be on Tamoxifen for another three years and that would put me at 40 years old. Do I want to wait until I'm 40 to have another child? Like I said, these thoughts have been weighing on my mind. 

However, his little conversation just reminded me to be joyful and thankful. I immediately felt as if God was talking through her that morning. And, her words (or his) were right on. I am lucky. I want to scream this.... I AM LUCKY! I successfully went through cancer treatment during pregnancy. I have two beautiful and healthy children. I am healthy. I am here, living and making memories with my family. Things are PERFECT (my kind of perfect)! I couldn't ask for my life to be any better.


There was a twinkle and a flutter in my heart after that conversation. I walked into the gym with a smile on my face and those two words, Lucky and Perfect just stayed with me all morning.

Right now, I don't know what will happen. I don't have any answers but, I'm open to seeing what life will present to me. I open my heart to the universe and joyfully accept all that comes my way. Whether or not another baby is to be, I will be patient and allow my questions to be answered.


...to be continued.